Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
