Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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