either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
