Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
