wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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