the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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