Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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