you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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