Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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