Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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