I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i came on her dog
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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