I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
