I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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