never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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