She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
