Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
