i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
