I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
