Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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