I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
