my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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