I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
