My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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