WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
