new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
