I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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