my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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