tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I looked at my own cervix.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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