dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
