remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
