Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
