you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You can't motorboat a personality
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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