the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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