Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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