am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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