Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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