She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
