Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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