gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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