The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
