Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
