He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
