my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
