you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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