this just has baby written all over it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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