You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
