How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
did i just pee glitter
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