Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
