honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
