yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
