it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
