At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
